MEGHAN AND TRAVIS TO MAKE THE UNBREAKABLE VOW
BY N. DRAGIC AND T. O'CONNELL
BALTIMORE, MD - After all this time, Meghan and Travis are finally making the unbreakable vow. Please read below for details concerning the ceremony and reception, and to take a very mandatory sorting hat quiz.
A tale as old as time... boy meets girl... boy is the chosen one. Girl is unimpressed. Boy fights dragon., Girl falls for useless ginger. Boy stuck falling for ginger because regardless of how well the characters were written, boy didn't really have a decent alternate option and boy and girl are both forced into relationships with soulless people. Enough about Harry Potter...
Our tale goes a bit differently. Below is an abridged timeline of our relationship.
CHOSEN BOY MEETS CHOSEN GIRL. Rockville, MD
Meghan and Travis meet via myspace.com. Meghan is looking for a networking opportunity, and Travis is lonely and stalking much younger women in the Rockville area. His opening line to Meghan is “Has anyone told you that you’re clinically insane?” It was original, so she responded. After many hilarious email exchanges – to which some can be observed in the form of pull-quotes on this page – they meet at a Starbucks.
In advance of this meeting, Meghan does her due diligence through familywatchdog.us and Google to confirm that Travis is not a sexual predator. However, through her research, she discovers that he is 12 years her senior and a divorced dad.! So he is less of a catch than a foul ball rotting in an abandoned stadium.
NOVEMBER 2016 -THE PROPOSAL
(And no it's not a lame sandra bullock movie)
November 2016 – Meghan and Travis go on vacation to the Dominican Republic. As they get a tour of their treehouse bungalow resort, Meghan is making a mental note of numerous locations in her head of where she hopes Travis will not propose… “If he rents this private dining area to have a romantic meal and proposes to me there, I will kill him,” “If he proposes to me on the beach at sunset, I will kill him,” “If he proposes to me in this public restaurant by trying to choke me with some dessert, he clearly doesn’t know me, as I easily choke on my own and don’t like dessert.” She sees the children’s treehouse and makes a note of how great it is – but specifically of how great it would be to take a photo of herself in it, dressed as a pirate, and hurling a coconut at Travis’ head.
There are many walks on the beach, and buzzed ukulele sessions on the bungalow deck, but no proposal. Meghan wonders if he’s going to do it at Thanksgiving, which she would hate because she doesn’t like major things happening in front of crowds where she is the centaur of attention – such as weddings. Meghan has to run back to the room during dinner to get cash out, and she finds the jewelry bag sticking out of Travis’ wallet – with a hole in it – with a ring falling out. Rather than freak out about the engagement, she freaks out about the ring being lost in the sand and strategically adjusts the ring and bag so the contents won’t fall out.
The next day, they decide to have a couples massage (which was awkward). After that, Travis is very insistent on having a beer in the treehouse. Meghan immediately thinks about her pirate picture. She grabs her beard and her beer. As they walk to the treehouse, Meghan hands Travis her bag and says “Hold on! Let me go get a coconut!” As Meghan ventures to the beach for the perfect coconut, she sees a long palm leaf and thinks “I can’t be a pirate without a cutlass.” She fashions a cutlass and continues walking. Meanwhile, Travis hides in the treehouse on one knee waiting. He decides to put on Meghan’s pirate beard.
On the search for her perfect coconut, she also sees a fat and flat tropical leaf and thinks “You can’t be a pirate without an eyepatch!” She grabs the leaf, and a few feet away is her perfect concussion-causing coconut. Before she climbs into the treehouse, she hands Travis the cutlass, which he puts the ring onto, and the eyepatch, which he tucks into the pirate beard. As she ascends into the treehouse, she looks over at Travis, who is dressed like a pirate and balancing a ring off of the cutlass.
Travis looks at Meghan and says “Please don’t kick me in the balls, but I love you. Will you marry me?” Meghan responds by laughing and saying “let me take a picture.” She then takes a picture and says “I’m ok with this idea.” They kiss, and she immediately confesses that she knew the whole time. They then call her father, who starts crying because he had no idea. They then have lots of photo shoots – including the pirate head bashing one – and write an engagement announcement via facebook.com that confuses everyone.